Four Simple Steps to Get Back Together With Your Ex
Breakups are a natural part of life for most people. Yet, a breakup never feels natural. However, the more you go through breakups, the more you may be able to cope with them. But learning to cope with breaking up is different than suffering less pain from a breakup.
It is not unusual to want to restore a broken relationship. Sometimes you realize how good you had it, only after you lose it. Other times, your emotions may get the best of you and you may want to get back an ex that you know is bad for you. You really need to consider whether or not a specific relationship is a safe place for you before trying to get back into it. Consider carefully why the relationship didn’t work the first time. In many cases people are much better off psychologically, or even physically, after a breakup.
But, in most cases relationships go through a standard series of events. You start out with the beautiful newness of it all. During this phase, everything about the other person seems to be perfection. Then you start shifting into the comfortable phase. You each learn how you fit into the relationship as a pattern, rather than as an active adventure. Suddenly, those things that seemed at one time to be unique features begin to feel more like unending annoyances.
At some point in the typical relationship, comfort becomes a sticking point. There is just no getting around this. At some point you must go through the comfort stage and emerge from it without being too annoyed to stand each other. This is both a test of resolve and a test of love. If you truly care about the other, you will work through this phase. But, things can be really rocky and it is not abnormal to want out of the relationship.
If you think you got out of it too early, you’ve probably considered carefully just how small your differences were. If you weren’t the one who initiated the final breakup, you’ll need to take care to proceed carefully with reconciliation.
1. Start With Your Apology
Unless you recognize the impact your faults played in the breakup and are willing to ask for forgiveness, there is no hope of a successful reconciliation. So the best step to start with if you want to get back together with your ex is an apology. You should be specific with your apology, but without rehashing wounds. Don’t just simply say in general you screwed everything up in the relationship. You need to understand and show you understand where you erred.
Your ex may not be at the same point in dealing with hurt feelings, so your ex may be ready to start up an old argument. You must accept your ex’s state of mind, and sidestep the confrontation. No matter what your ex says, you need to remember why you’re apologizing.
2. Take Time to Talk And Listen
If it seems like your ex still cares about you, you’re ready to have an honest conversation. You will have to lead out in a mature discussion. That means you need to have a willing exchange of rational information. This can include feelings, but the feelings should not be accompanied by clinging or begging. You must maintain composure. You must be willing to listen without reacting. You must be willing to move completely beyond blame, but at the same time be willing to see where you can correct your past mistakes.
If things go well, the next step in the process will be moving on to professional help. Relationship therapists are actually more help when you start with them than when you go to them as last resorts.
3. Don’t Push It
Once your realize your true feelings for an ex, your natural instinct may be to run and cling to that ex and never let go again. But, your ex may not be at this same point. You need to give your ex space to work through feelings too. After your discussion with your ex, you need to stay away until your ex comes back to you. This both allows your ex to work through feelings and to miss your presence.
4. Value Yourself
Attractiveness really does come down to value in the end. You must show you have a value if you want to be valued. Don’t throw yourself at your ex. Simply state your desire to renew your relationship and move on with your life as if your gesture will not be returned. Spend time with your friends and doing the things you enjoy doing.
Don’t sit around waiting for the phone to ring or for a text message. Return messages at your own convenience, when you’re composed. Don’t be overanxious, or you’ll end up throwing yourself shamelessly back into your ex’s arms. When you’re ready, talk to your ex as an old friend. Tell your ex you were glad to hear from him or her, but don’t go any farther than that. Wait patiently for overtures from your ex.
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